I am vain

Recently at my parents house I was looking through old pictures. There were some pretty awful pictures of me. Yes, some were in my awkward tween/teenage years. But there were some more recent in my adult life. 

There is this one picture of my Grandmother, my mom & my first child. She was just a month old, and I looked awful - words can't describe how torn up I looked :) I used to despise that picture because of how bad I look. Now I have grown to love that picture. I have that memory of my Grandmother meeting my first child. I have that treasure of 4 generations in a picture.

I realized, digital photography has made me vain (well, I made myself this way). The immediate, view the picture - double check my features - hair out of place, eyes closed, double chin <gasp> is getting to be too much. 

In the olden day pictures - I was just plain happy, it didn't matter if my gums were too big for my teeth. It didn't matter if I was laughing so big you could see the fillings in the back of my mouth. It was the true me, the one that my family & friends saw every day, and still loved me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy now. I do have a loooooong history of taking pictures with friends and having to retake it 20 times to get one where you don't see all my flaws.

So although I'm not completely "healed" :) I am learning to accept my yellow fake tooth, bags under my eyes and my double chin. This is what I look like all the time. This is how my kids see me. This is who I am. So you will see more pictures of me looking real. Yes I will still edit pictures, yes I will still crop out some things, but I won't be the annoying friend that makes you retake a gazillion times anymore :)

I may or may not be guilty of saying this :)

 

Not So Proud Mommy Moment

A couple weeks ago my cousin posted this article

I read it and knew it was just for me.

I am a yeller. I yell at my husband. I yell at my children. I yell at my siblings. I have even yelled at friends. {disclaimer - some of my yelling is one quick line - "get in here and clean this room!!!!"}

After I read the article I knew I had to get control before I missed out on life-changing moments.

There have been times when I have yelled at my kids and they have been scared of me. I asked them why - I don't ever ever hit them when I'm angry.  But to them, I was scary.

My 7 year old one time told me she didn't want to "release the angry mommy dragon".

She also has started yelling at her siblings. And said she's "like mommy because she yells when she gets mad". When you see your child pick up on your bad habit it looks a WHOLE lot different.

So I sat my older two down, told them that I needed to change. My 7 year old said I couldn't do it. She didn't think I could go a day without yelling. {read above disclaimer} I told her I had to. And since then, there have been times I have yelled a quick sentence "LOOK WHERE I'M POINTING!" And my 7 year old will remind me not to yell. I'll apologize, and start over.

I admit, since I've quit yelling I say "seriously" a whole lot more to my kids. Like when they aren't looking where I'm pointing when I say "pick this up" .... But - it's not yelling.

I have done really well in the new me. That I'm proud of. And my kids have kept me in check.

So I am enjoying more hugs, making more silly faces and answering more 'why' questions.

Running Techniques

So since my surgery I haven't ran over 11 minute miles. That makes me very sad.

My half marathon pace was 10:30 which made me happy for that long of a distance. And my fastest 5K race was a 8:17 pace, so I know I can do better.

As I was running my lame 4.5 miles I was thinking about different

running techniques.

The Gazelle - I have a friend who has long legs. She runs exactly like

a gazelle - fast yet graceful.

The Effortless- I have another friend that runs fast but it doesn't

look like she's giving it any effort. She looks like she's just

jogging. Even when she has passed me & said she was dying, it still

doesn't look like she gives effort.

The Bouncer - Another friend of mine has a bounce to her step. With

her cute curly ponytail bouncing. She always looks adorable when she

runs.

The Beauty Queen - I have a beautiful friend that always looks

perfect. Her makeup is always in tack. She smiles beautifully for the

camera.

The Attacker - Then there's me. No I don't run like Phoebe in a

Friends episode. But I feel like I attack the ground. My feet hit hard

(not as hard as a Pounder friend I have). There's no bounce, there's

no gracefulness. Sometimes I feel like I can't even pick my feet off

the ground and they drag. I get nervous that I'm going to trip and

then the ground will attack me back.

So whether you are graceful or clumsy - it's ok. Just run!

Change is Inevitable

When we moved here in Fall of 2010 we were fully aware that our landlord was going to let us stay in our town house for 1 year. So when it got close to the first year she graciously said sure I'll sign for another year. We were so happy. We didn't have to move again! Then after 24 months she said sure again. Yay!!! 

Then we get a letter... saying she has prior engagements and she has to sell this in order to come out even. She gave us 45 days!!! I'm not gonna lie - I balled like a baby. I cried so hard. I even called my Mom (like a baby). Joel of course was the calm one. 

I was angry - 45 days - we have a family of FIVE!! To find a place - then pack everything up! Then clean this place! I was ready to chew the landlord out. I searched "tenant-landlord rules" and she actually only had to give us 30 days. SO I pulled myself together. 

Friday I dragged my 3 kids to four places looking for our next house. They were troopers. We were gone from our house from 8:30am until 4:30pm. And I got compliments on how well behaved they were. 

Monday we looked at 1 place physically and 3 more through the computer & talking to the realtor.

Saturday we're going back to 2 places to show Joel. 

I'm not looking forward to going through the kids toys and giving away a lot. I'm not looking forward packing up things. I'm not looking forward to learning a new address. I'm not looking forward to learning new routes. I'm not looking forward to changing my address in a gazillion businesses computers!!! 

I don't want to be that family that moves every 2 years - that just doesn't sound stable. That is my biggest fear. 

So here's to embracing CHANGE!!!

Seven Year Itch

Late 2008 and the beginning of 2009 began a slow, but very painful, slope in my life.

My husband of 7 years poured himself into his work. He was in his office day in and day out. He sometimes would work 48 hours straight. If he wasn't working then he was catching up on sleep.

He missed things that I thought were important. He missed family events.

I had to be the one putting a smile on my face saying "he's working again!". I began to resent him. I began to feel very unattracted to him, anything he said or did was like nails on a chalkboard to me. I began to feel like I was all alone. We had two children, but sometimes you just need adult interaction. I began to spend more time with my friends, so I wouldn't feel alone.

He didn't realize he was pushing me away. He didn't realize I cried myself to sleep so many nights. He didn't realize I needed more than just a "hi/bye" interaction.

What I didn't realize is, through my clouded, selfish thinking, he was pouring himself into his work because we were struggling financially. He was doing the only thing he was taught to do.... support his family.

Although 2008/2009 wasn't all bad. Good things did come out of it. He made his first iPhone app, which landed him an amazing job later in the year. We found out we were having our third child - a reconciliation baby.

There is a lot that happened during those times that I wish I could undo. By the grace of God it is all under the blood. In 2012 we celebrated our ELEVENTH anniversary!!!

There are times now when he works long long hours, but he makes sure he is home for dinner, and family game night every Wednesday. He makes sure he has plenty of fun with the kids. He makes sure we have datenights.

I just wanted to encourage someone. Be ware the 7 year itch. It might be 5 years, it my even be 10 years.

Don't be afraid of counseling! Or embarrassed to get counseling, like I was. If your spouse won't take it with you, get counseling for yourself.

Above all else pray. God hears your cry, even when you feel alone. God knows what is best, He has plans for you.
Don't pray for God to change your spouse, pray for God to change you!