the truth is....
today, December 1st, is the first day I have not cried about my Granddaddy since November 20th.
November 16th my Aunt informed us that my Grandaddy was not getting better.
They were just making him comfortable.
Sunday, November 20th, I asked my cousin (who is a Nurse at the Nursing Home he was in) to call me when she was there so I could talk to my Granddaddy. Four years ago my Grandmother passed away. I did not talk to her in her last days, I wish I would have. So my sweet cousin called me, held the phone up to my Granddaddy while me & my older sister told him we loved him. His voice was hoarse, but he tried to respond to us. My cousin said he opened his eyes and she could tell he was listening to us. I cried after the phone call, knowing it was near the end.
Monday, November 21st, they gave a guess of 48 hours.
I cried.
Tuesday, November 22nd at 5:50am, my Granddaddy, 88 years old, passed from this earthly life. I cried.
Wednesday & Thursday, reminiscing on his life. I cried.
Friday, November 25th, my parents, my older sister, my littlest child & I were in Tennessee for the viewing at 5:00pm....... I could not stop crying...... seeing him in that casket......
knowing this was it.....
I talked with my cousins, looked at pictures of Granddaddy. I was doing ok..... then I wanted to go to the casket once more before we left that night..... I cried.
I then realized that I was not ready to say good-bye to his ears. Funny, I know. His ears were big, he could wiggle them! As a little girl that was the most fascinating thing ever. And I would practice and practice, all of the Grandchildren would. When each Grandchild reached that achievement, we would call Granddaddy on the phone and with much excitement say "I can wiggle my ears!"
Saturday, November 26th was the funeral. Closing of the casket was the worse. I cried.
Sunday, November 27th, I heard Tender Tennessee Christmas and I cried. Remembering what that song meant to me growing up. We loved going to Tennessee for Christmas!
Monday, November 28th, I did not want to get out of bed. My eyes felt like sandpaper. I made myself get out of bed, go work out. Tuesday is my sleep in day, so I slept/laid in bed as much as I could. Tuesday I admitted to myself, I was in depression mode. I did not want to do anything....but I had to.
Well, I said I did not cry today, now I wrote this and tears are flowing.
I know my Granddaddy is no longer suffering. I know he has a Heavenly body now. But this flesh of mine is still sad. I miss him & my Grandmother.
I do not know how people can go on when they lose a parents.... I do not know how people can handle death when it is unexpected..... I do not know how people can do this when they do not have strength from God.
....so.... there is my truth.....
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| 2009 - Granddaddy & me - he is making peanut butter & Karo syrup for me |
That is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandma is very near her last days, and honestly - I have avoided calling her because she is not in her right mind. I would rather remember her good days. Right or wrong, I don't know, but I have prayed the last week that God would just take her home and end her suffering. She's 91.
ReplyDeleteOh Michelle, How heartbreaking! I've been at exactly this point 3 times now. And praying I have many more years before I feel this pain again with my one remaining grandparent. I will continue to pray for peace for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd reading this...I cried. I am so very sorry for your loss...I know how much all of you girls loved your granddaddy; he was a very special man. I will tell you how someone can go on when they lose a parent because it has been 19 months now since my daddy closed his eyes here and woke up with his friend, Jesus. The same way you are coping now is true for all of us. The main thing is that you trust and love Jesus...and are honest with Him. On the days when the hole in your heart seems bottomless and you actually feel angry that God did not heal him here on earth..you tell Him. Some days you push yourself to get out of bed..and some you take advantage of a chance to just vegetate. Some days all the "Christian" platitudes just don't cut it...yes, we know they are in a better place, yes, we know God knows what is best, yes, we would not bring them back to a world of suffering...but that does not ease the ache of missing them or the excrutiatingly painful realization that we cannot call to talk to them..hear their voice...feel their hugs....ever again.
ReplyDeleteSo, sweet Michelle, I grieve with you, pray for you....and know you will be okay. The One who knows you best, loves you best...and He will see to it!!